from the archives
by drake with out
Summary: night vale shorts that will weave an inescapable web of dis-pare around you please review (this will tie in to the story's by wolf so credit to her for all chapters using her oc) the chapter headings are probably better than the chapters them selves.
1. the golden feild

You stand in a pale gold field, the sun rains down your back as you stand in the middle of a field you tense as you realize that the field you are in is made off the abominable wheat . As this terrifying realization hits, you panic. But before you can run a ring of grey columns of smoke rise to the sky as they take on the shape of implements of torture to awful to name. you cower in the center of the ring. Y They fall in to the shapes of great dogs, wolves. They circle around you as the fields of wheat and wheat by products push towards you, as the smoke born shapes begin to stop and stare at you as if to take you and destroy you. You know that you are not your own person. that they have taken your mind, your name and everything about you that there is as you sink through the soil of the wheat field you try to run, but your legs are trapped by the soil and you being sucked it to the dirt tugged by the roots of the demonic grain. As the ephemeral figures run forward to push you further into the soil. You scream again and again but soon your mouth is filled with soil as you are torn down and pulled out of the dirt celling. You fall in to a dark chamber as the horrible blackness is pierced by many, many eyes. You are in their grip. They tear your soul from your chest and take your name you have no name no, you. As everything you know and love is taken by those you hate to be twisted and corrupted. As your very I identity is torn from you only to be vindicated by the fiery consumption of the earth by the sun billions of years form the cause of the huge rift in your life that tore you into tiny pieces.

Welcome, to target.

(One week only 20% off all I-phones)


	2. blood and kity litter

In further news the city council has announced a new blood stone circle ceremony; it is to be performed after you return from the library to ensure that you return your books on time, which, listeners is important because anyone who has an overdue book is slain in their sleep. And you really don't need that blood on the sheets. The proses Is simple and easy, First go down to your local pet store and purchase a live canary or other bird , then proceed to dunk the canary or in to a vat of salt. Then build a pyre 5 feet tall and burn the canary alive. while chanting the names of the books you checked out And ,while you are at the pet store picking up that canary, buy a bag of kitraks cat food! Kitraks cat food gave us free cat food for our station cat, the one that hovers in the men's rest room. Khoshekh, Kitraks cat food is specialty made cat food for floating cats. It is made by someone called **strex corp** It is the only cat food made for cats that hover silently in rest rooms. Kitraks cat food has radioactive waste as the first ingredient. Kitraks gave us one year of cat food, free and all they asked was that we do this one little favor any time they asked, and let them put subliminal messaging in one of our episodes! But really listeners, is that such a big deal? I mean you were already going to buy it right. I mean come on it is the city mandated cat food? And we already have subliminal messaging from the city council why not this **strex corp**? I mean, come on, free cat food, great deal, right?


	3. a holiday and an intern

Tomorrow is thanksgiving listeners, when we all eat dinner with our family, friends, and then go down to city blood stone circle, where we elect the town sacrifice, and as the high priest performs the right of death. We begin chanting about all the things we are thankful for. The beauty of the ceremony as the screaming victim writhes in pain is very not describable I have decided, before the ceremony rolls around to list all the things I am grateful for in preparation:

First, I am grateful for the sheriff's secret police. Who, in their duty as officers have ruled us with an iron fist throughout the ages. I am also thankful to the Helicopters for their unceasing vigilance and care in making us safe and sacred. However, dear listeners you know what I am truly most grateful: Carlos my dear perfect Carlos. Without him what would life be? Would it be worth living? In addition, he is really adjusting to night vale soon I hope he will be one of us. Last though certainly not least: the city council who have kept us in relative safety and good spirits throughout the many years. In witch there, membership has never changed.

and now a news bulletin: during mayor Pamela Winchell's daily press conference, a new subway entrance suddenly rose from the ground .the mayor proceeded to laugh hysterically for some 20 minutes during which time and oppressive voice screamed in to the reports heads; "it is a lie! It is all a lie! Come to me, come to me, and give me your very being that I may use it as a mindless drone for my own purposes"! After the completion of the mental scream there was a blinding flash of light, the mayor then took a cattle prod from a nearby hooded figure that, it so happened, was holding a cattle prod. Using the cattle prod, she began to drive all the reporters other than our inter Stacey in to a subway entrance. As she screamed, "suffer! Suffer! Suffer!" Having finished driving the reporters down into the huge entrance she turned to Stacy. And said "go and tell them what happens to those who do not obey "witch he did, to me, and now I get to tell you what happens to those who do not obey so that you can tell others what happens to those who do not obey. So that they, In turn, can say what happens to those who do not obey. Isn't that great listeners, or it would be if we knew what we were disobeying

Now: the weather


	4. plagerisem and job fairs

The night vale copyright office has announced a new punishment for those who plagiarize, in other words copy Without proper citation and the delivery of a human kidney to the owner of the work. the punishment will consist of being beaten mercilessly by a focus group for people with self-confidence problems. Now listeners I think that is too lenient. We just can't let people who, knowingly or not take some ones intellectual property get off with a concussion and a lot of broken bones and painful bruises. I think the old mandate of death by hanging was the best available method. I stopped the problem that's for Shure. Now for the community calendar.

Monday: The Local National Guard Station and KFC Combo Store Is hiring! They will have a job fair. All applicants must have experience with firearms as well as be able to work a cash register. People skills are a plus but not required.

Tuesday: there will be a concert by dark owl records the city council has asked us remind you that attendance is mandatory and all absentees will be noted and punished.

Wednesday: helicopter refueling day. Do not leave your homes. If you do you will not go back inside. **Ever.**

Thursday: the faceless specter that haunts the biography section of the public library will be holding a press conference. This is too bad. Because if you ask me there are too many face less people in night vale now. Also the desert flower bowling ally and arcade fun complex. will be re-opened. There will be free pizza. Carlos and I will be going as a couple! Listeners I am so excited! I mean carols asked me to go! Isn't this great? (loud banding and howling in the background) um listeners I think I should get back on topic because station management appears to be angry.

Friday: will be spent screaming about "why live is a futile and fleeting attempted to gain a few minutes from the void.

Saturday and Sunday will not exist this week but will be replaced by a large bloodhound that we will all try to ignore but we will find as futile as life itself...

Now back to our main feature


	5. Hey Look , i'm a chapter heading !

Night vale would like to announce a new segment in which we will grab a random subject off the street and subject him, her or other, to rigorous interrogation on topics pertaining to our day to day lives. The station would like to point out that the views of the subjects are not the responsibility of the station and that wrong opinions are punishable by death. The questions will be provided by the sheriff's secret police and that no one may see them in advance. You are also no allowed to acknowledge the existence of this new program when we broadcast it. You are not allowed to expect it in advance. In a school board and city council meeting today a new law was passed. Night vale citizens are no longer allowed to-. Well listeners this is highly unusual and normally I would not read this announcement for the purpose of dignity, but as I stopped reading it a great roaring is coming from studio management's dark office so I had better continue. No longer allowed to pass gas without written promishin of the glow cloud because it does not want any competing clouds in the area. The flowing people may not pass gas even with said written promishin: all angels, big rico, you, and Cecil Baldwin. Hey that last one was me. Now I know I'm not the best smelling person in the area, but really, is it that bad? I must protest this listeners. It is offensive and unnecessary I bring you now. In mild protest. To a prerecorded public service announcement.


	6. you and the sickness

There is a young girl, she sits on a couch, the couch sits on a cliff top, and the cliff top sits on a crustal plate. The echoes from the girls beating heart bounce, and fade. Bounce, and fade. The child grabs at the fly's that buss in preparation for her imminent demise. She begins to whimper. Softly as the echoes from the canyon take on shape and begin to come closer. In her sickness she moans and as if the moan where instead a command the echoes form in to the hands of death and reach, reach towards her trying, trying to silence the sound of her pain. But she stands and tries to jump off the cliff, to speed her death to a point of quiet stillness where the void will take all pain. But the flies, the flies, they swarm and lift her back up. Up to the couch. Where she was left in her sickness. The flies whimper. Whimpering of hope, hope for recovery. She sits again. Once more on the couch. And she realizes that time is not real. That all is now and that the past is no different from the future. As we are born already we have lived, we have loved, already we have felt the kiss of death and the freedom: or terror that it may bring. Slowly your ears prick up as you here your own name. You sit by the radio. The band aid on your pale creamy neck the last reminder of the power of the radio announcer's voice. The radio announcer that now has all that matters. You seize the radio and hurl it down to the floor of you trailer. It smashes in-to many pieces', pieces that already where there but now are not one but still you hear it. Still it whispers your name. Shadows rise from the shards. And you back away trembling at the unstoppable power of the menacing shapes witch one where confined to a radio add. And now are coming to stop your life and end your pain. Your misery.

Taco bell; we don't deliver and, we never have.


	7. smoke and shadow

You have been consumed by the shadows. The radio still speaks. Still even after your anger it whimpers to you. Just as you once wimped as a child siting on a couch. Witch sat on a cliff. Witch sat on a crustal plate. Hayley, you whisper. Wishing she could hear you. Be with you . Smile at you. You want out! You, need out. You want to cry. But you won't. You won't because you won't do whatever the radio announcer says and because he just said that, you will. Cry that is .You begin to sink down, down, down. Sinking to the base of the column of shadow that has consumed you sobbing. You steal yourself and prepare for the void. But then a light pale and violet light shines in the dark. Coming closer moving towards you trying, trying to get to you. Could it be, could it save you even here, even now? Then the light flashes and the shadows are gone utterly gone. Just as light has always concord shadow.

You lie on your side facing the radio now rejoined in to one peace the floor of your trailer is cold . But pleasant after the deprivation of hovering . You see the dog. The thing, siting, stareing at you. Its head resting on the now reformed radio looking reproving. Looking disappointed just as he, or it ,should be Looking like it knows that you have done wrong by being right . It is your duty to be submissive . You look ashamed. But you don't know why. You stand, and for no reason, you _apologize_ to the radio "I _a_m _s_o_r_ry, so sorry you say" . Your voice wavering at first but then growing stronger. The radio here's you, it shivers. You know that you must apologize to Cecil. You think of his home, his apartment building. You grab a vase off of your bed side table and you stuff it wriggling just as all vases wriggle into a box . The radio host not wanting to spoil his own surprise takes you to … The weather .


	8. small in so many ways

A night vale poem

(credit to wh)

Violets are red

Roses are dying

Valentines is stupid

Why are we trying?


	9. the gift and the hound

Listeners grate news. Carlos invited me on a date! It happened last night. When I got home last night there was a warm ticking crate placed just outside my front door. I took it inside and opened it. In it was a vase. Warm and wriggling just as all vases wriggle there was no card and I couldn't think who it could have been from, then I thought of Carlos, dear sweet Carlos. I mean sending a vase is just the sort of thing he would think of. So I threw the crate out my window not paying any attention to the ensuing scream of traitor and drove over to big rico's where Carlos has rented an office. When I got there I asked Carlos if he had sent me a vase .he said he hadn't but that he thought he might know who had. He said that I had broadcasted something about a person who had been placing a vase in to a warm ticking crate to send it to a radio host. I can't believe I forgot about that. I mean pretty obvious right. So as I turned to leave he out his hand on my shoulder and asked me if I wanted to go to jerry's tacos for diner this Saturday. Of course I said yes. And, as yesterday was Friday, that's today And only just now did I realize that we will have to change our plans, since as we announced earlier this week today and tomorrow have both been replaced with a basset hound. Witch I am even as I now acknowledge its existence, ignoring .


	10. divisable by ten and the evil of chance

Felling fat? Felling bloated? Felling like the entire world is about to be consumed by infinite void and endless nothingness? Well it is! And we can help with all but the last one. Shreektronicks. We will scream that weight off, or maybe we will scream that you are not fat in to your mind, maybe we will become your mind, your body not much more than our hand a slow creeping stillness slinking up and over you to slowly blot out your body and consume your desires. Maybe that's bad and maybe it's not. Maybe the concept of maybe, of chance. Is inherently evil. Then again it might not be. And maybe, just maybe strex corp owns us now . flip a coin if its heads your ours. Or never flip again . And never know for sure .


	11. the couds are comeing for you

The city council held a press conference today in which they denied the existence of the color blue. The press core disagreed and began a heated debate with the city council. When asked what color of the sky was they said void. Un deterred they then pointed to the blue shirt of a press core member was pointed to she was slowly swallowed by the stone floor of the press conference chamber. That mayor Pamela Winchell approved for construction last week. In the interest of fairness a randomly selected male member of the press core was also consumed by the floor below him. We are sorry to announce that this person was our very own intern Margo. He was a good intern and he will be hard to replace. To the family and friends of intern Margo. We may or may, not miss him. My supervisor Daniel has just handed me a card and walked out of the room, it seems to be written in French and it reads:

Nous mourrons tous aux mains des nuages ! Tous les nuages sont mauvais ! Ils sont pas l'eau ni lumière ou la poussière. Ils sont mauvais. Ne les vois pas!

Wow, um this is rater bazar According to google translate this roughly means:

We will all die at the hands of clouds! All the clouds are evil! They are not water nor are they light or dust. They are evil. Do not see them.

Thank you strex corp for that helpful bulletin. I must now go listeners because someone I know just got off work. someone I know very well. stay tuned next for the sound of a moose being repeatedly smacked against a black board.


	12. the last strong hold has fallen

Servile cars have begun teleporting back servile dozen feet and then driving forward before teleporting again, they are doing this in front of the National Guard center and kfc combo store. They are blaming strex corp for trying to restrict trade. Isn't that just like an inferior business? Always blaming there problems on others. Why don't you eat at big rico's pizza now owned by strex corp? Eat rico's and eat strex.

And now for the community calendar

Tuesday will be night vale gargling day. All citizens must gargle various mouth washes and chemical agents for one hour at the ceremony. Be Shure to bright your oil lamp!

Wednesday will we a solid lump of uncles and dirty feelings that will cause you to slowly bubble as if you were swimming in seltzer water.

Thursday is our annual night vale walk-a-thon all citizens and their pets will walk in circles around the edge of our town, while ignoring the screaming. The horrible awful screaming.

Friday is, well actually next to Friday on our community calendar is a picture of a whale. So whatever that means remember it

Saturday is night vale elementary school open house don't forget to come, because if you do the glow cloud will be angry, and even strex corp doesn't want the glow cloud angry.

Both Sunday and Monday are being taken don for renovation so the entire world will spend 48 hours lost in void.

In a continuation of our last bulletin strex corp convinced the National Guard station and kfc combo store to join them. Then Unrelatedly the cars stopped teleporting and no one can find any of the employees or management of the store.


	13. me, rageing an

**Spoiler for episode 43 this is not really a chapter I just needed to let of stem after listened to it for the 4****th**** time and saw a preview of what Cecil looks like mad. It is scary. I will add a chapter I promise. **

**Do not read on if you are a minor, or squeamish **

They hurt my *kosheka*. No Bit(beep) messes with my cute kosheka! No one! I will hunt down there ever living body's and turn them in to non-living corpses. I will find their family's and exact my vengeance on them, and their children, and their children's children. I will exact on them the greatest form of death you can imagine. I will pour molten gold and vinegar down their throats. I will ram a large fish up (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) I will effect the epitome of all pain with in them! I will annihilate them! They are minatoryl! They ripped my *kosheka* out of his hover spot! I will annul them! I will rain bloody vengeance on them and their very nature. I will take their parents and seal them in concrete like the last seen it the second novel in that trilogy by Skye that I can't remember the name of. It involved geth and I can't find the last book! I will go there homes and rip there curtness down. I will take their cousins and stuff them in a giant chicken I will drench there in-laws in syrup. I will admit that I think that fay's plight is romantic as I stuff my gym socks down the throats of his or her or its aunts. I think the weather from that episode was really not appropriate for kids. I will wound them with a large eggplant. I will beat their brains out with an off key viola. I will try to stop going off on tangents. I will spell check this. I will stop breaking the fourth wall some time. You know. When its slightly less fun. I hope can apologies for the last chapter with the awful grammar. Good night!

That… felt good .


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